It's hard sometimes for me to really understand where I am now.

I seem to have lost so much, especially taking into who I was during high school and who I am now.

But I also seem to have gain a lot, the friends that I have, the experiences that I have gained.

I've lost my drive, my ambitions, the pathway that I was supposed to go through.

But I've gained precious friends that have taught me a lot, gone through hard and sad memories, friends that I can call up anytime for life.

I've changed, and I don't know if it's for the good or not.

I will try as hard as I can...

I have not been this sad for a long time..

I am being forced to do things that I do not want to do.

I am being forced to forget the life that I want.

I am being forced to live my life the way others want it.

I am being bound to the life that I do not want to live.

Is it possible to get away from everything when your conscience keeps nagging at you to do otherwise?

Is it acceptable for me to give up my life and happiness to please them?

Can break a pattern that has existed for these last 22 years?

Am I willing to give up my life to him the way my mom had once did?

How many lives can one man destroy?

They say that the future is bright, but from my experience the only thing that existed in my past was darkness, and any sentence with the word 'future' in it becomes dark as well.

How do you say no to the people who gave you your life?

A little while ago something unexpected happened.
I was not expecting it to come from the person that it came from, because all this while I thought that I was the only one feeling that way.
I thought that I was alone, and that that person would not like my thoughts and opinions, but on the contrary, that person shared the same thoughts as me.

It was unexpected.
And yet, it helped me let go of what I've been wanting to let go off for this past year.

Do you know the feeling that you get when you want something so badly but you know that you can never get it because it is not meant for you? Because you know that the thing that you want is meant for someone else, and even though you know that you're never going to get it, deep down inside you're hoping as hell that in the end you'll have it?

At this point you end up miserable, because the only thing that you really want and was hoping for is the only thing that you can't get, because it used to belong to someone else. Someone that you don't like even. That's what makes it all even worse. You become angry, and keep blaming yourself and your faults, and end up thinking that you probably don't deserve anything.

And then you suddenly realise that you actually do have it, and that it has been with you all this while, it's just that you were too busy lamenting over the fact that you do not own it to realise that it's with you now?

And because of that one realisation, all the bottled up anger and feelings of self-depreciating goes away almost instantly? Because you finally realise that one thing, you are immediately able to forget about all that's happened in the past, and immediately regain your self-esteem. You become happy again.

The void is gone.
I won't be thinking about things that I shouldn't think about now.

Do you know wanna know what I feel like eating now?

Ayam masak merah + kangkung belacan.

And a glass of cold sirap limau to top it all off.

I think I'm healed.
No more emo-ing.

It's hard.
Whatever I do, I can't help thinking.
Because I like asking what-if questions.
And they are never answered.
I want confirmation, not comfort.
It's hard.

sebab bagi aku, kau prefer orang lain..

I got the proofreader job =)

I'm sleepy as hell right now, but I have to tabahkan my eyes in order to watch Juara Lagu..

Only 45 minutes to go...

=_=

Life fucks you up every time you think everything's going alright.

I'm tired of trying to  pretend that I'm ok with all of it.

I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I don't care when the fact is that I care like hell.

It's better to just be alone.

I don't trust anyone.

I've decided to be nicer to everyone.

God help me.

Sometimes I just feel like running away as far as I can, with no strings attached to anyone.

Aku tengah bakar ayam dalam oven kecik, sapu-sapu planta and everything kat atas ayam tu dari pukul 8 lebih tadi.

Ni tengah tunggu lagi seketul ayam masak. Yang last ni special sket, untuk adik aku yang tengah kerja kat The Store. (aku bakar best-best utk dia sebab dia kerja shift 12 jam hari ni, eceh..)

Sekarang ni aku da loya, banyak sangat bau planta and ayam bakar, tak boleh nak makan.

Wuekk..

I haven't taken any picture for quite sometime, and I have this sudden urge to put my photo up here.

There. This picture was self-taken about a year ago. And it's my primary photo for Friendster and Facebook by the way.

Do you wanna know why?

Because that's the only picture of me that I think I look nice in.

Ahaha

I probably look more shabby now.

My roommate says that I look like some mafia chick in this picture.

I think I look girly.

I should be more macho.

I want a goatie and moustache >=(

Please do not use me whenever you feel like it and think that I would do everything that I am asked to.

Aku tak kisah kalau aku dengan kau memang betul-betul rapat dan selalu keep in touch, even though jauh.

Tapi sekarang ni, kau cari aku bila kau need something, and ikut suka hati kau je nak anggap yang aku am willing to do anything.

Dah berapa lama kau senyap and buat aku rasa yang aku ni just mengganggu hidup kau?

Bila kau nak something baru kau cari aku, as if nothing has happened and everything is just dandy.

Jangan buat aku rasa macam aku ni kain buruk.

Aku takde apa-apa komitmen kat kau, dan aku bole cakap tak nak bila-bila masa je.

I'm done being nice.

I was happier when I was in matrics, during which I never had to hurt myself for the sake of others.

I hate people who wear masks.

Keinginan aku untuk mengeluarkan perkataan-perkataan yang kurang elok sangat tinggi sekarang ni.

Aku agak bengang dengan pasangan itu.

Aku rasa macam aku orang bodoh.

Sebab benda ni melibatkan diorang bertiga, dan aku ni kira macam 'spare-part' la.

Tangkap muat je.

Aku rasa bodoh.

bangkai betul

I'm sad and feeling all weepy and emo now.

Yeah, I haven't blogged in awhile. Here's a summary of what happened since my last post:

• My music test was okay, the questions were easier than the ones during our midterm exam.
• Came back to JB on Wednesday.
• Laid around at home doing nothing for 4 days.
• Went to Larkin bus station on Monday. Met up with Lyd and someone there. I also got a call from Telekom, and settled the matters regarding my final year project. I'll be going there for interviews from 1st (my bday!!) to 3rd December.

I seriously have nothing to do during this semester break, apart from celebrating my 21st birthday in Telekom interviewing old guys. Yep, life is good...

It's hard knowing that there is something that you want to be, but never will be.

It's hard knowing that people expect you to be something that you will never will be.

It's hard knowing that you are not the first choice for someone.

It's hard knowing that you are totally different from what people want.

It's hard knowing that you are different from others, and maybe in a bad way.

It's hard knowing your faults, and unconsciously comparing yourself with everyone.

It's hard knowing that you aren't the best, because it feels like nobody deserves the bad luck to be with you.

Because if everyone was to be given a choice, I would be alone.

Yes, my own questions are a double edged sword for my own heart.

Please treat me like a human being with feelings.

Please.

I've slept by myself ever since I was a child. I had my own room ever since I was little, and had no problems sleeping in the dark.

Now, I feel somewhat scared at the thought of sleeping by myself in my room here in Unimas. I would usually have my roommate with me, and at those times I would be fine. If my roommate were to go home for the weekend, I'll have to sleep with the lights on.

The reason?

'Something' has been bothering my sleep for awhile. No, it started happening a year ago, only now it seems that the feeling of 'it' is stronger. 'It' usually comes when I'm sleeping alone in the dark. There was one time when it happened when my roommate was with me, but now I think it'll just happen when I'm alone. Always in the dark, no matter night or day.

I would have a sense of 'it' coming when I was about to drift of to sleep. I would feel different at that time, and would know what I was in for. There were two times when I managed to wake myself up from my sleep and turn the lights on, to prevent 'it' from coming. At that time, 'it' tried to come at night and the following morning.

'It' came once during the fasting month.

I think the most frightening experience with 'it' would be during the third time 'it' came; the one time 'it' came when my roommate was with me.

Hm.

It was almost midnight, I think. My roommate was long asleep, and before I went to bed, I plugged in my cell phone to its charger on my study desk. My roommate was also charging hers. Mine is a Sony Ericsson, and my roommate's a Nokia. You know how Sony and Nokia phones have different kinds of vibrations right? You can guess which phone is vibrating by hearing the noise that the phone vibrations make.

So, when I was about to drift to sleep, I heard a vibration coming from our study desks. It wasn't mine, but it wasn't my roomate's either. I figured that I was just dreaming.

I was laying on my side at that time, my back facing my roommate. Suddenly I felt like there was someone standing next to my bed, near the back of my head. 'It' felt like 'it' came from my roomate's side of the room.

At that time, the story of 'orang minyak' was famous here in Samarahan. People said that some students were attacked in UiTM Samarahan, and that the 'orang minyak' was coming here to Unimas.

I thought that the presence I felt next to my bed was the 'orang minyak'.

"Habislah aku.." was all I could think of at that night, as I was unable to move.

'It' moved towards my feet, and went onto my bed. I had my eyes half-open at this time, as I remember I tried to look at 'it' while it moved along me. I remember only seeing the faint light that was coming through my room's window, but not being able to see 'it'.

When I sleep facing the wall, I tend to leave a little space between the wall and me, so that I won't bump my head on the wall or something (yes, I'm that clumsy).

'It' moved into the space between the wall and me, just next to my head. I've already made up my mind to keep my eyes closed as tight as possible at this time. I felt something wound around my neck, not choking, but was wound around tight enough that I can feel it. I tried to be brave at this point, tried to open my eyes. All I could see was that there was some white fog-like apparition in front of my face, and then I immediately shut my eyes. It went on for about 30 minutes, I think. I was unable to move, and I was afraid to open my eyes. I just kept reciting the Ayat Kursi over and over again.

The following morning, I asked my roommate if she heard something wierd vibrating the previous night. She said that she did, as she was somewhat half-asleep at that time. She also said she felt like there was something sitting above her head on the bed that night, and that 'something' went to my side of the room. I told her what happened to me after she told me what she felt.

'It' does not like me. 'It' preferred if I was never there.

Hm.

The last time 'it' came, I seem to have had a clear view of its form. But I am not sure if that was real or if I was just dreaming. Thus the only time when I was sure I was seeing 'it' was the time I saw the white fog-like apparition.

And now, my roommate has gone back to her home for the first time in 3 weeks. I was afraid last night, but was lucky that I did not have any problems during my sleep.

We'll just have to see what happens tonight.

Dia kawan aku.

Time aku down dulu, aku cari dia. Banyak dia nasihat aku, buat aku happy balik.

Time dia down, aku try buat dia happy balik, try bagi dia semangat balik.

Sekarang ni, dia selalu cari aku. Selalunya around 1 am.

Aku pulak, sekarang busy dengan study week, and jarang aku stay up malam-malam sekarang.

Kalau aku stay up pun untuk study sebab aku ada paper the next day. Kalau tak, memang aku da confirm pengsan pukul 1 pagi tu.

So sekarang ni, aku da jarang nak contact dia balik.

Kalau dia contact aku time aku ada paper the next day, dia akan cakap dia tak nak ganggu aku dan suruh aku study. Aku pulak jenis yang study last minute, so memang terpaksa menghargai peluang yang dia bagi suruh aku study.

Kalau aku takde paper pulak the next day, aku da di ulit mimpi by the time dia contact aku. So either way, memang tak ada peluang nak contact dia lagi.

The last time aku betul-betul dapat berbual dengan dia is one week ago. Itu pun sekejap je, sebab aku tengah dengan orang lain time tu. Dia tak nak ganggu. Takut salah faham pulak, nanti jadi benda lain.

Tapi, looking at the way things are right now, even kalau aku tak tidur time dia contact aku pun, aku maybe susah nak contact dia balik. Sebab aku sekarang dengan orang lain, and aku tak reti nak layan SMS lebih dari sorang.

Aku rasa bersalah kat dia.

I feel worthless.

I feel like I'm talking too much, and nobody listens.

And that I'm a pain to be around with.

And have no talent that I can be proud of.

I'm also pissed off by people who think that they are absolutely right, and refuse to listen to what I have to say.

If there is no room for arguments, then there is no point in talking to you. Please don't make me feel stupid and worthless.

Yes, I'm in the mood for moping right now. I'm just wallowing in my self-pity.

It'll pass soon enough.